I've noticed that I feel this different kind of longing now, compared to how I felt before. The first few weeks I missed the physical contact, kissing, hugging and stuff. Now it's different, I think. I miss the conversations and the laughing. The serious stuff, too. The feeling that someone likes me for my personality, some kind of social acceptance. I know I get that from elsewhere but it's not quite the same coming from people that don't know me so well. I think there are only a couple of people who actually know me for who I am. Even fewer of those who accept me after everything I've told them, if any.
I've become friends with a certain person lately and it's helped me a bit to overcome this. I think we'll be friends for a long time.

There's still this gnawing feeling inside me. I'm unsure. Unsure whether or not he'll ever forgive me. It's probably the biggest thing holding me from living life to the fullest right now. I'm not an impatient person but I can't stop myself from thinking about it daily. I just wish time would go by faster. I want the answer so I can keep on living. As long as there's still a little hope of us ever being together again, I won't be able to get my mind clear for the future.

Looking back, I don't know what the hell I was doing. I made the biggest mistake of my life but I hope that if I ever win him back, I'll be able to win back his trust as well. He has no idea how much I regret what I did. I wasn't able to keep it a secret because I loved him too much to lie anymore. I didn't want him to think I'm something perfect because I'm far from it. I hope that somehow he'll see something good about it too. If there's any future for us two, I'll never be dishonest to him, ever. He's something too beautiful for me to give up this easily, the reason I hold on.

But if he decides that it's best for us not to try anymore, then all I can do is accept it and try to move on. All I know is he'll always have a special place in my heart, come what may.